“My heart was literally beating out of my chest.”

These words were uttered recently on the reality show known as Momma’s Boys. Does anyone see what’s wrong with this sentence? If you don’t, then you’ve been using the word “literally” wrong all this time. It’s not hard. Let’s learn.

From dictionary.com:

literally-adv.- 1. in the literal or strict sense 2. in a literal manner; word for word 3. actually; without exaggerration or inacuracy 4. in effect; in substance; very nearly; virtually.

Now, don’t let definition number four lull you into a false sense of security. It is not correct to say that your heart was literally beating out of your chest unless it really was (in which case you should probably quit talking about it and get yourself to the hospital). A basketball player is not literally twelve feet tall when he’s only 6′4″. Your cat, despite her death defying capers, does not literally have nine lives.

I love a good hyperbole (extreme exaggerration) as much as the next English major, but when you’re hyperbolizing, it simply doesn’t do to tack on a “literally,” because that just nulls the whole literary device.

A quick checklist for your proofreading enjoyment.

Those of you who are students, especially my college chums, probably write a lot of papers. Not everybody’s an English major, so here’s a list of things for which you should check when you’re doing that quick proofread before you hit print and dash off to class (if you’re like me). Or if you’re a little more studious, do an indepth check, but make these a priority before you send it off to your proofreader.

1. Don’t rely solely on spellcheck. While it’s a lovely program and a great help to mankind, it can also trip you up. Go back through your paper and make sure you didn’t spell anything wrong by way of turning it into another word. For example, sometimes I type “form” instead of “from,” and one time I accidentally turned in a paper with the word “extant” instead of “extent.” I was highly embarrassed.
2. Check your tenses. Sometimes writers slip into present from past and then into future, and so on. This is especially common in narratives. Nothing makes your reader stagger to a halt more than an uncalled for tense change. Remember that if you start in the past, stay in the past. If you start talking about something that happened prior to the action that’s already in the past, make it paster than past.
3. Watch your punctuation. Don’t abuse your commas (or your colons, or your semicolons, or your ellipses). If you’re unsure of how to use a special punctuation mark, it’s best to stick with something you know. Better yet, refer back to one of my numerous posts on punctuation. Please remember that commas are not a seasoning, and you are not permitted to salt your paper to taste with them.  Additionally, avoid exclamation points unless you think long and hard about it and decide that you really really need it (as in you’ll get an F if you don’t have this one exclamation point). Too many exclamation points look silly! Use your words to cause excitement!
4. Keep your audience in mind. In a formal academic paper, you shouldn’t speak in the second person, as I’m doing now. That means don’t talk directly to your audience by using “you.” If one should happen to need it, he should replace the “you” with “one” and third person pronouns, just as I’m doing now. Also, unless you’re specifically asked about your personal experiences, you should stay away from speaking in the first person. And in formal writing, don’t use contractions (and don’t start your sentences with conjunctions).
5. Stick to your required style. Whether it’s MLA, APA, Chicago, or whatever else your professor can come up with, check and double check that you’re using it correctly and consistently. Make sure everything that needs to be italicized or underlined or quoted is (and is done correctly). When it comes to citations, triple check them.
6. Watch out for homonyms. This was kind of covered in step one, but I’ll reiterate just in case you missed it. Do not misuse there/their/they’re, then/than, it’s/its, effect/affect, or any other of those tricky little homonyms. Spellcheck will not catch them. If you don’t know the differences between these words, refer to my previous posts.
7. For God sake, watch out for homonyms. I can’t say it enough. Just check for them, ok?

There you have it. Seven easy steps (which are really only five and a half easy steps) to minimize the red pen and to make your proofreader’s job easier. There are other important matters when it comes to writing, of course, but this is supposed to be a quick checklist for a quick proofread. Happy writing! <—-I decided that I really really needed that exclamation point.